I Forgot How Much I Hated the Newborn Stage

My reflections on six weeks of being hazed by an infant and toddler

6 weeks ago today, my second baby, Caleb, was born. 6 weeks ago today, I also had major abdominal surgery and a blood transfusion after hemorrhaging in a hospital bed hours after the c-section. But that is neither here nor there because who cares about me?! I had a baby!

The past 6 weeks have been a blur—an unexpected blur, I should add, even though I’ve been through this before. When Caleb was born, I literally could not remember how much babies eat, when they sleep, or what normal baby poop looks like. It was as if I had completely blocked out 80% of the first year of my daughter Madison’s life and just remembered snuggles and love and smiles and calm.

Over the past 6 weeks, though, memories have started to come back like the day after a bad brown out when you randomly start recalling all the weird shit you did when you were drunk. I swear, I remembered our newborn daughter as this angel who always slept through the night and never cried during the day. But as Caleb kept waking up for feedings in the middle of night and pooping non-stop and spitting up all over my clothes and begging to be held, I began to remember. She was like this too. Just not as bad—Caleb has colic, so it’s actually worse lolhelpme. But it wasn’t as easy as I recalled.

I forgot how much I hated it at times. Not all the time. I love the snuggles, don’t get me wrong. But I’m someone who gets anxious during 45 minute manicures because my hands are busy and I can’t check my phone, so you can only imagine how I feel when I have to feed and hold a baby for 45+ minutes and then do it again in 1-2 hours and so on.

Trapped. That’s how I used to describe it. I remember struggling the first few days after we brought Madison home because I could no longer run out to the grocery store or go to Homesense on a whim. Even if I could sneak away, only one of us could go without it being a production, and I just wanted to go out with my husband—not go out alone. I remember feeling like I never went outside or saw the sun because every time I would get ready to go out, it would be time to feed Madison again. I remember feeling like I couldn’t get anything done because I kept starting things and having to stop to help, feed, or change Madison and then never finishing things because I would forget and move on to something else.

But I forgot about all of this and didn’t remember it until the feelings came flooding back again. Weird, right? People are always saying our brains do this Men in Black memory-erasure thing with the newborn stage so we forget it when it’s over and then want to have more babies. I think the people are right.

The good thing now: We’re not actually trapped this time. We have a toddler in preschool so it would be impossible to hibernate for the newborn stage. A lot of the baby stuff is also easier this time around because we know what we’re doing (to a point). Yes, I keep having to google sleep and feeding routines each week because knowledge of when and how much babies eat and sleep is unfortunately not something that came back in the brown outs. But changing diapers, getting Caleb dressed, and bringing him out of the house is much easier so he’s been to multiple barbecues and even went apple picking! He has also been to Starbucks 75 times. I couldn’t even handle going out to Starbucks once after having Madison.

But even though I’m getting out and some of the baby stuff is easier this time, I still feel trapped when I want to do something and can’t because of the baby.

There’s also a lot of other things that are still hard about the newborn stage.

Of course there’s the constant changing of diapers full of liquid-y, foul smelling poops. Ew. I lead with this because I hate it most but honestly who enjoys changing poop diapers?

And there’s the recovery and bleeding that takes place for WEEKS after giving birth, vaginal or c-section. The Men in Black have already come to erase those memories for me though tbh (like I forgot to add something about this part of the newborn stage until I was about to publish this post) so was it bad? Idk. (I had doctors manually get rid of blood clots in my uterus like it was fucking Handmaids Tale so yes it was bad… but do I remember? No! Thank you Men in Black!!!) (ALSO, we are not talking enough about the difficulties of wiping your butt during/after pregnancy; a shitty topic yes, no pun intended, but an important one)

Then there’s the hormones that come for you after giving birth. I kept tearing up after having Caleb. Like the smallest things would set me off, and not in a depressed way. More in an overly emotional way, like the girl who “just had a lot of feelings” in Mean Girls. I struggled a LOT thinking about Madison adjusting to not being the only child for a good 6-7 days until I realized that she didn’t give a fuck. And also the hormones went away and I went back to being an ice cold bitch. I’m just kidding!!! Or am I? Sometimes I wonder if I’m nice or if I’m more like the stereotype that was Esther in the new show Nobody Wants This (for those that have no idea what I’m talking about, she was a mean Jewish woman, which I was not fully here for btw, but also is that me???????????).

Then there’s the sleepless nights—or the nights with only 3-4 hours of sleep (which is every night).

Then there’s the clothes that don’t fit, the weight that needs to be lost, and the outfits I lack for doing things. If only the weight came off as easy and quickly as it came on.

And of course there’s the lack of money. Between upcoming new infant daycare costs (which are $aloneandcombinedwiththecostsofpreschoolare), the expense of formula (I’m not breastfeeding and Caleb is on a special allergy formula that’s more expensive, SIGH), and all the new baby stuff he needed, funds are limited to do things (and also buy new clothes).

This time, my baby has colic, so there’s also that. This means he cries unless he’s being held and eats ALL the time, making it constant. Not to mention, there’s also a feral toddler running around screaming “help me,” “look,” and “I’m hurt” to make sure she still has our attention (she does). Honestly I don’t even know how I’m writing this right now. Thank you to my husband for dealing with them tonight. I am blessed lol.

THEN there’s the feeling of boredom. Yes, boredom. Even though there’s no time to do anything, there’s also all the time in the world to do nothing. If I didn’t have a toddler that demanded watching Peppa Pig or Paw Patrol on the big TV and not on her tablet when she’s been home, I would have watched a LOT more TV shows over the past 6 weeks. So far it’s just been Mormon Wives, Nobody Wants This, Monsters (the Menendez Brothers story), Emily in Paris (it’s so bad you guys), and the weekly episodes of Tell Me Lies. I do love watching TV, but I also have a thousand things to do—clean, write, sell more clothes on Poshmark, write, make TikToks, write, cook, etc. And so the newborn stage kills me because I CAN… but I also CAN’T. The paradox!

So yeah, I hate the newborn stage.

But just because I hate it doesn’t mean I don’t like it or wouldn’t do it again. I hate eating healthy sometimes, and I hate not being able to buy endless coffees during the day at Starbucks, but I love the outcome when I do these things that I hate.

Also, it’s temporary. Everything as a parent is temporary, but especially the newborn stage. The sleep gets better after the first 3 weeks—and it gets even better after the first 8 and so on (OR SO THEY SAY; yes, I also forget about this). The feedings and diaper changes also become less constant, and the cries become less frequent. My daughter is only 2 years old (3 in a month, but still) and she’s been independent for a while. That’s how fleeting it all is! After all, what’s a few weeks or even months compared to your entire life? It’s nothing. It’s so short. And it will FLY by. Like I gave birth to Caleb yesterday but also 6 weeks ago. How????

I like to think of the newborn stage as initiation. It’s straight up hazing, but by a tiny human. It starts with them fucking up your body by growing inside of you and then coming out, and it continues with the crying and the diaper changes and the feedings. But once you get through initiation, YOU’RE IN for the best years of your life—and I would suffer through colicky newborn stages any day for that.

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