On Accepting My Postpartum Body & Taking Weight Loss Drugs

Oct 29, 2024

I had always worried about getting pregnant one day. After nearly an entire life spent always trying to lose weight, I couldn’t imagine myself NOT losing my shit while gaining weight during a pregnancy.

When I actually got pregnant, I discovered that not only is my body the type to gain a TON of weight while pregnant, it’s also the type that will hold onto the weight for dear life. I spent two years after my daughter was born feeling like I was living in a stranger’s body hiding in baggy clothing until the weight started to come off. Then I got pregnant a second time and it happened again.

Gaining weight while pregnant helped me to see my body dysmorphia in a whole new light. I mourned a lot, but I also learned a lot. Now, over two months postpartum for the 2nd time, I’m trying my hardest to deal with the weight gain in the best way possible (with some help in the form of a GLP-1). Here’s my story.

My Pregnancy Weight Gain Journey

I was never skinny as a kid. My weight was always in the overweight BMI zone so I was never crazy unhealthy or anything. But growing up in the heroin chic era, I felt like Shrek.

I didn’t realize just how bad my body dysmorphia was until a few weeks after I gave birth for the first time. After doing IVF (and gaining weight during that process), I got pregnant at my heaviest weight ever and gained 60 pounds. At two weeks postpartum, my body managed to drop 20 pounds almost immediately without me doing anything. But after that, the scale wouldn’t budge. I was 50 pounds away from my normal average “overweight BMI” weight that I had ALWAYS thought was too high. It wasn’t until then did I realize that I was never actually as big as I thought I was. I was not Shrek then! I was Shrek now. Or so I thought. (Shrek is a FEELING you guys.)

The weight I gained while pregnant didn’t really start coming off until I was one and a half years postpartum. I ended up losing 35 of the 50 pounds I wanted to lose before getting pregnant again.

During this second pregnancy, I gained 65 pounds. After giving birth in August, I lost 13 pounds right away. And then… radio silence.

This time to get back to my original “overweight BMI” goal weight, I had to lose 67 pounds. 67 POUNDS. How the fuck was I going to lose that? And how LONG was it going to take? I knew it would be possible, but I didn’t have the patience to wait or the money to fund new wardrobes at multiple new sizes while I did it—nor did I want to be as unhappy as I was when I tried to lose the weight after my first baby.

So I asked for a weight loss medication.

Why I Decided to Try a GLP-1 Medication

I spent the first two years of my first born child’s life hiding from pictures and ignoring any clothing other than leggings and sweatshirts. As someone very much into fashion, this hurt. Not only that, but my creativity was crushed. I felt like I was living in someone else’s body. It was isolating. And it was all I thought about.

I wanted to lose the weight so badly, but somehow there was also a part of me that was—dare I say—HAPPY.

Do you know how exhausting it is to have body dysmorphia? I spent almost my entire life being SO delusional about my body that I had to measure out peanut butter in a fucking tablespoon in order to eat it.

Here I am 10 pounds ABOVE my average Shrek weight. I thought I was huge!

Obsessed with tracking everything I put into my body, I mostly ate the same foods at the same time every day, rotating between 3-4 different dinners each week. I also brought my scale everywhere. A weekend trip to Cape Cod with 20 friends? My scale had a spot in my bag. A night at a friend’s apartment? The scale came too. And if the scale told me I ate something I shouldn’t have, I would throw up. I didn’t throw up regularly so in my mind it wasn’t an eating disorder, but it was—and I couldn’t do it again.

I had done a lot of work over the years to stop being the crazy scale lady who measured food before eating it and sometimes threw up after eating. The freedom of eating whatever the fuck I wanted was not something I wanted to lose. I also refused to lose the time I had back in my life that I used to spend tracking calories. No way was I going back.

That’s why I did what most people are doing in secret (and in the most public way on TikTok—there is no in between) and I started taking the weight loss medication Wegovy (AKA a GLP-1).

How It’s Going

While I’m only 5 weeks into it and probably haven’t experienced any side effects that could change my mind yet lol, I have to say this stuff is a game changer.

It promised to remove the “food noise,” and so far, it has. I still think about food, but not in an obsessive way. Being able to diet without a voice in the back of my head telling me to throw up after having a bite of pizza and to NOT EAT any chips and guac at a restaurant even though everyone else is eating it is beyond freeing.

Like I can actually diet and meal plan without going wild and crazy on Weight Watchers and having it turn into an obsessive calorie counting journey that consumes my life and becomes all I talk about while also playing whack-a-mole bulimia because you never know when that shit is going to pop up.

To those who think a GLP-1 is cheating, first of all, it’s not. It’s cutting a line. It’s taking an idea from a competitor. It’s having your mom write a late note for you so you can miss first period because you didn’t do your homework. It’s all the things I’ve already done before in life to get ahead. And what’s so wrong with doing or using something to get ahead? Like have you guys even heard of Adderall? I am a chaotic person. Without this help, I would continue starting things after completing 10% of other things and never finish anything. Sometimes we just need help. And it’s just help! You still have to do the work on Adderall for it to work. List writing, staying organized, time blocking, etc. A medication doesn’t take action for you.

The same goes for Wegovy and other GLP-1 meds. They’re not a one stop shop for weight loss. Yes they make you less hungry, but you still get hungry, and you still need to make the decision to eat a healthy diet. You also still need to make the decision to work out so you don’t lose all your muscles and end up looking emaciated after losing weight.

Even though I still have to do the work, the help a GLP-1 medication provides is beyond anything I’d imagined. It’s kind of dangerous for me to diet without help, to be completely honest.

It’s only been a short time, and I still feel like I’m living in a stranger’s body and am only wearing leggings, but so far, I’m down 11 pounds. It’s been really hard for me to see it as “down” because I feel like now I’m just UP 56 pounds rather than being UP 67 pounds from my normal weight. That’s the biggest issue with postpartum weight loss. It’s hard to view loss as loss—but it is and it should still be celebrated!

I have a long road ahead and a lot of work to do, but I’m so grateful for the help. And when I get back down to my OG Shrek weight, I will also be grateful. You never know what you have until it’s gone I guess!

And if you’re considering using these meds at a normal weight to become a heroin chic weight, I probably wouldn’t advise (but who cares what I say because I’m not a doctor lol). Pre-pregnancy me would have taken these meds in a heartbeat given my severe body dysmorphia. I’m sure it would have been helpful for me to lose 10-20 pounds for my health many times over the years, but it could have also led to danger. Now that I can see how fucked up my view of myself was, I’m so glad I didn’t have the opportunity to take these meds until now.

Think healthy, not skinny. The motto. I will update you all on my weight loss journey again soon. XOXO.

Follow me on Instagram @theforevermillennials and @samanthamatt1
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