Why Can't I Socialize Like a Normal Person Anymore?

I used to talk to hundreds of people on AIM. Now it takes me 36 hours to answer one text. What happened?

The golden age of socializing

In the summer of 2006, I was getting ready to leave for college. Moving six hours away might have been scary for some, but not for me. I was ready for the adventure—the adventure being getting dropped off by my parents and left alone in upstate New York, living in a 12 story building with hundreds of people I didn’t know, and having to meet a bunch of new people by venturing to multiple different places, usually alone, every day of the week.

This, now, would be my nightmare. I can barely say hello like a normal person to other people when dropping my daughter off at school. I work remotely and the thought of having to go into an office gives me heart palpitations. I am even somehow socially awkward in the Starbucks drive thru.

It’s not that I’m anti-social. I’m not even introverted. I love being around people. Hanging out with friends and having plans energizes me. So why is it so hard for me to interact with others now? What changed?

I used to be fearless.

After I chose to attend Ithaca College, 17-year-old me set out on the internet to meet as many people as possible who would also be going to Ithaca College that fall. The fearless teenager I was, trained on conversations with randoms in AOL chatrooms about *NSYNC vs BSB and the age old question “A/S/L,” took to MySpace and Facebook to find new friends. I joined groups for the class of 2010 at my college and scouted potential friends by perusing profiles and pictures. Did they like Brand New and Bright Eyes and Dispatch? Did they look like someone who enjoyed drinking bad beer and cheap vodka? Did they seem like they’d be down to occasionally do an interpretive dance to a Celine Dion banger? Were they from the Boston area? New England? Were they in love with Seth Cohen?

I found a way to connect with all sorts of people. I was like a fantastic sales person cold calling all these random people and selling myself as a friend. I talked to probably one hundred other incoming freshman that summer. Some I DM-ed with daily for months on Facebook, MySpace, and AIM. Some I never met after getting to school while others became some of my best friends. Some of the people who ended up becoming my actual friends in the future said they knew who I was before arriving at school just from my annoying posts in the incoming freshman class Facebook group, which at the time, I didn’t find to be embarrassing or cringe. I thought they were awesome. I think I even thought I was awesome. Which is crazy because I also hated myself. The next summer I would start throwing up half the things I ate (never more than half because in my mind that made it not an eating disorder… the logic) because I hated myself so much but perhaps it was my personality I enjoyed? Idk.

Throughout the rest of college, I was still extremely social. I texted (and BBM-ed) anyone and everyone, never once second guessing what I was saying. I did things like friend people on Facebook after engaging in eye contact with them for at least one second. I constantly posted on people’s Facebook walls, often having public conversations for all the people I had ever shared eye contact with and more to see. I also had the cringiest Facebook statuses that I regularly updated multiple times per day, which honestly makes sense given that I later started a blog and developed a meme Instagram account. I guess my excessiveness just meant I would have been really good at posting to TikTok back in the day. IF ONLY.

In the years that followed after college, I was still the same social butterfly, but mostly only with the people I was already friends with. Making new friends became hard, so instead of socializing in person with new people, I started talking to anyone who would read what I had to say online through my blog. I was able to write 4-5 posts on average each week for that blog because it took me no time to write them since I didn’t think twice about what I was writing. I just sat at my computer and word vomited on Wordpress. Then I hit publish and hoped people would read and like what I had to say. If only I could say that about me today.

What happened?

Times have changed.

Flash forward years later to 36-year-old me not being able to text her best friends without overthinking responses. Texts from acquaintances? Emails from people I barely know? You better believe I’m going to overthink these responses so much that I’ll respond in one to three business days or even worse—I’ll forget to respond and will avoid the person after because of this. The burn out from years of instant communication is real. Remember partaking in 25 conversations on AIM in the computer room at your parents house to the soundtrack of the opening and closing door? 36-year-old me would consider that a haunted house.

Of course the overthinking isn’t the only reason I don’t respond or struggle to respond to people. I’m a mom of two, including one brand new infant. Sometimes I just fucking forget—both that I have to respond and how to respond. Yes, sometimes I forget words. This was something I struggled with especially during pregnancy. I knew it got better after I gave birth because when I began writing again, fancy words started coming out of my brain and I was like oh my god, a semi smart person is still in there. I literally though I was becoming inept.

Even writing for me has become harder. Both finding time for it (there is a crying baby next to me right now, sos), and actually doing it. Even this post about overthinking is hard for me.

Back in the day, my peers and I were all in the same place—adjusting to adult life, spending weekends with friends, blacking out in dive bars, throwing up in dresser drawers (just kidding, that was just me), etc. Now, everyone is in a different place. Even if someone is a parent like me, who knows if they would relate to me if their kids are different ages, or if they have a different number of kids than me, or if they’re in a different tax bracket than me. The list goes on. And this is just for people who actually have something in common with me. I find it hard to know if I’m being relatable and if I’m being inclusive of all situations people might be in. But I never used to care or think about these things, and so when I wrote, it was 100% real and to be honest, that’s probably why anyone connected with what I had to say at all.

So why do I overthink so much now anyway if I know overthinking won’t work?

It was so much easier to communicate when I was younger.

There was no fear that I’d say the wrong thing and come off dumb or weird.

There was no desire to be clever or funny.

There was no voice within pushing for perfection.

There was no worry that I was alone or that a person wouldn’t relate to me.

Barely anyone I interacted with had kids or families yet, so I didn’t have to remember too many details about a person to become their acquaintance or friend. But why do I worry that someone might get angry if I don’t know their kids name? I would not give any fucks if someone didn’t know my kids names. I fear I’m insane lol.

Something we did have that made everything easier when we were younger was time. There’s less time in the day when you get older (a scientific fact!), and most of it is usually booked. So where does interaction time come in??? Especially with new people?

Then there’s the issue of money. When I was younger I would be like “I have $3, let’s drink this cheap ass vodka out of a plastic bottle and sneak it into a bar.” Somehow I was able to maintain a thriving social life with no money this way.

Now, every time I step outside, it’s approximately one million dollars and sixty-five cents. I don’t know if this is because of inflation, my age, my kids, my pretentious spirit, or a combo of all four, but it’s unbearable. And who wants to tell someone you can’t hang out because you can’t prioritize them within your budget? No one lol.

Regardless of how it used to be versus how it is now, there has to be a way to get my fearless free spirit back.

I shouldn’t overthink when texting a friend. I shouldn’t worry about saying the wrong thing when meeting someone new. I shouldn’t get nervous about commenting on a social media post for the public to see, thinking my words need to be perfect or I shouldn’t write them at all. I shouldn’t fear I’ll be rejected or shut down by someone if I try to start a new friendship.

I used to give only one fuck when interacting with others back in the day. I just wanted people to like me. Today, I still want this. I just don’t care as much if people do like me. So shouldn’t it be easier?

I’m not looking to adopt 17-year-old’s me tactics and start messaging every parent in my daughter’s pre-school to find common ground and schedule round the clock playdates. That would lead to me being in a coma I fear. I’m also not looking to channel 24-year-old me and started mass texting 30 friends each weekend about making plans. I don’t have 30 friends anymore.

I’m just looking to shut my brain off and stop thinking I’m this outlier and that everyone else is hanging out as friends without me and/or that I’m going to say the wrong thing and get canceled.

I would like to think that regardless of the life stage someone is in, that other people feel this way too. I’m sure there are some people out there with brains that don’t scream “IDIOT” at them multiple times each hour every day that don’t feel this way. But that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t appreciate a text.

I believe we’re all just looking to feel wanted and appreciated. Texts and phone calls make people happy. When it comes to interacting with others, the only wrong thing you can say is nothing because if you fuck up or it doesn’t work out… at least you tried!!!

And that is the exact energy I’m trying to emulate from my past life into my future life. One where I overshare again and don’t overthink. One where I might be cringe, but I don’t drive myself crazy debating what to say to someone in a text. One where I might get rejected, but I also might find new friends. If 17-year-old me could move six hours away not knowing a soul (except like two people from high school that I didn’t know very well) and end up becoming Facebook friends with over 1,000 people (there was A LOT of eye contact between the years of 2006 and 2010), 36-year-old me can say hello to other parents at school drop off without making it weird. I HAVE FAITH.

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